My Child Is Hitting or Being Aggressive

Aggression Does Not Mean You Are Doing Something Wrong

If your child is hitting, biting, kicking, throwing things, or being physically aggressive towards you, siblings, or other children, you may feel a mixture of worry, guilt, frustration, and even shame. These feelings are completely understandable, but it is important to know that your child's aggressive behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting.

Aggression in children is often a form of communication. When a child does not have the words, emotional regulation skills, or coping mechanisms to deal with what they are feeling, their body can take over. Hitting or lashing out may be their way of saying "I am overwhelmed," "I am scared," "I don't know how to cope," or "something is wrong."

ChildWize is here to help you look beyond the behaviour and understand what is driving it. We connect you with specialists who can work with you and your child to find safer, more effective ways of managing big emotions and reducing aggressive outbursts.

What Might Be Behind Aggressive Behaviour?

Aggressive behaviour in children can stem from many different sources. For some children, it is connected to difficulty processing sensory information — when the world feels too loud, too bright, or too unpredictable, a child may respond by lashing out. This can be associated with sensory processing disorder (SPD).

For other children, aggression may be linked to oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), a condition characterised by persistent patterns of angry, irritable, or defiant behaviour that goes beyond what is typical for the child's age. Attachment difficulties can also play a role — children who have experienced disruption, trauma, or insecurity in their early relationships may struggle to regulate their emotions and express their needs appropriately.

It is also important to consider whether the child is experiencing frustration due to unidentified learning difficulties, communication challenges, or social difficulties that are making daily life feel overwhelming. Sometimes aggressive behaviour is the visible tip of a much larger iceberg of unmet needs.

When Is Aggression Part of Normal Development?

Some degree of physical behaviour is a normal part of child development, particularly in toddlers and young children who are still learning to share, take turns, and manage frustration. It is typical for two-year-olds to occasionally hit, bite, or push when they are upset, and most children grow out of this as their language and emotional regulation skills develop.

However, if aggressive behaviour is persistent beyond the toddler years, is increasing in frequency or intensity, is directed at adults or peers regularly, is causing injury, or is significantly affecting your child's relationships, friendships, or school life, it may be worth seeking professional advice.

The NICE guidelines recommend that parents and carers seek support when a child's behaviour is causing significant distress or impairment in daily life. Early support can help children develop healthier ways of expressing their emotions and prevent patterns of behaviour from becoming entrenched.

How ChildWize Can Help Your Family

ChildWize can connect you with behavioural support specialists who can help you develop strategies for managing aggressive behaviour at home and at school. Child psychologists can work with your child to explore the emotions behind the aggression and build healthier coping mechanisms. Family therapists can support the whole family in communicating better and reducing conflict.

All our specialists work online, which means you can access support without the stress of taking your child to an unfamiliar setting. Sessions are flexible and can be arranged around your family's schedule. Your specialist will take the time to understand your child's unique situation and will never judge you or your parenting.

Depending on your child's needs, your specialist may recommend individual therapy for your child, parent coaching sessions to help you respond to aggressive behaviour in ways that de-escalate rather than escalate, or a combination of both. They can also provide reports for your child's school if needed.

Steps That May Help in the Meantime

While you are seeking professional support, there are some approaches that some families find helpful. Staying as calm as possible during an aggressive outburst can help prevent the situation from escalating. Try to remove your child from the situation if it is safe to do so, and give them space to calm down before trying to talk about what happened.

Naming your child's emotions for them can sometimes help — for example, "I can see you are really angry right now." This helps children learn to identify their feelings, which is an important step towards managing them. Avoid labelling your child as "aggressive" or "naughty," as these labels can become part of how they see themselves.

Consistency in your response to aggression is important. Try to set clear, simple boundaries — "I can see you are upset, but hitting is not OK" — and follow through with the same response each time. Praise and acknowledge moments when your child manages their emotions well, no matter how small.

ChildWize does not replace NHS services or medical advice. If you or your child are at risk of harm, please contact your GP, call 999, or contact the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000.